One of Those Days

I don't like to complain on my blog but today I need to vent.  I  am beginning to HATE Tuesdays and Thursdays.   Today is the perfect example of why.  I woke up late and barely made my van pool (but at least I made it!).  Work is hard right now.  I've changed jobs and feel totally out of my league and lost and dumb all the time.   I feel like an Atari in a room full of XBOX's.  It's getting depressing and stressful.  The people are great and I'm trying my best.  I know that it's going to take some time, experience, and learning and I'm trying to be patient.  I feel so uncomfortable asking for help and I pretty much have to ask for help with every thing that I do.  :(  It's hard not to get discouraged and to find joy in feeling like a failure all the time.  School is just as hard.  I am 85% done with my degree and just have all the hard classes left and it's demanding.  And in the back of my mind all day I feel guilty because really I just want to be home with my kids.  I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of my life.  So I get home from work around 4:30 and when I get in my car I realize my cell phone is not in my side pocket like it usually is.  It fell out in the van and of course the van has already taken off.  So straight to school I go and am there until 9:30 PM.  I usually get to call my kids on a break which always cheers me up and today I really missed that.  I get to my mom's and see my kids already in their pj's and ready for bed.  I am so blessed to have such a great family to take my kids for me so often.  (Another guilt trip I take daily).  My kids usually both fall asleep on the way home and so we don't get to read scriptures or say prayers and then I just feel even more guilt.   Tonight as I carried my kids up to bed I just cried.  They are both so big.  I can barely carry Kylee up the stairs.  Her feet go down to my knees.  She's getting so tall and grown up.  And Cannon is right behind her.  A whole day is gone and I saw my kids for a total of about 15 minutes.  I feel like I'm missing it all and like I am the worst mom in the world.

And like usual my kids come to my rescue.  As I laid Cannon down in his bed he looked at me and said "sing me a song mom."  I sang him his usual favorites and just looked at his sweet face.  When I was done I kissed his forehead and whispered "I love you" and he whispered back "I love you more."  It made the whole rest of the day just go away.  It's all worth it!!!  It's going to get better.  I can make it another day.  :) 

I laugh every time I check on Kylee before I go to bed.  She INSISTS on sleeping with her lamp on in her room yet every time I check on her she is asleep UNDER her covers.  It makes me claustrophobic but she loves it. 

I'm thankful for my sleeping babes and for the love and joy they bring me in my life.