Happy Birthday Cannon

I can't believe my baby is 6!!!  I won't lie...I have always had this hope of having more kids.  After my cancer I was told it would be hard to get pregnant again...and after my recent health issues I have been told there is just no way my body will allow me to have any more.  I have cherished my kids from the get go.  It took a long time to get my Kylee and Cannon came super close after and I have loved every second of being their mom.  I am sad that I won't have any more babies.  Kylee came down one day and drew me a picture that said "I can't wait to have a baby sister or brother."  It made me cry and I told her my body wouldn't let me have any more.  She went upstairs and changed her picture and came down and showed it to me again.  She had changed the words and her picture now said "I can't wait to have a baby cousin."  Such a thoughtful kid. 

But this post is about my cute little Cannon man.  Knowing that he is absolutely my last kiddo made his birthday even more special this year.  He's 6!!!  He's the best kid.  I really just can't believe how awesome he is.  

I know all parents love their kids...but I really don't know if there is a kid in this world as sweet as my Cannon is.  He melts my heart every single day.  He is so easy to please, so polite, and so thankful for everything.  He is super easy to love and always wants to help me and do things for me.  

My friends brought him over some delicious cupcakes that I had on my birthday and he was in heaven.  

He got his own set of golf clubs for his birthday.  We have been hitting a lot of balls at the golf course by our house.  He is my favorite golfing buddy.  

I told Cannon we could go anywhere for lunch and he could have anything he wanted to eat and he said "I want one of your world famous grilled cheese sandwich's."  I didn't even know my grilled cheese was world famous.  He is the best.  

We celebrated his birthday with my family and my niece Gabby made him the coolest minecraft cake.  He thought it was coolest thing.  

I LOVE YOU CANNON!!!  Your smile is infectious and your hugs make everything better. I am so glad I get to be your mom!!!

One Year Older

That's right...I am closer to my mid - 30's than my early 30's.  I really can say age (like weight) is just a freaking number.  I am really grateful for each and every day and look back on my 34 years of life with pride and happiness.  I have no regrets and feel really blessed for all I have.

My birthday this year fell on a Sunday and it seemed like everyone was busy doing other things.  Like most days of my life, it was just me and my kids.  I have an awesome buddy from work invite us over for dinner and they made me the MOST AMAZING cupcakes ever.  It was extremely low key and I loved every second of it.

Freaking Health Update

Met with the neurosurgeon today and the most recent MRI's they did on me showed some abnormalities in my circulatory system.  Long  story short, he thinks there is a good possibility I have a hole in my heart.  Before we can treat the AVM, I have to have an ultrasound on my heart.  :(  Not really the news I was hoping for.  

The good news is...there IS a simple and great plan to treat the AVM once my heart is cleared up.  I also got some new drugs for the pain that so far today are helping me find some relief.  So even though there is an extra obstacle to over come...the finish line is near.  He was very adamant that he can fix me and have me back to my normal self.  BEST NEWS EVER.  I will do whatever it takes to get back to a healthy, happy me.  I know that I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  

There is a song that says "you only get what you give."  I think that is a lie.  I have got WAY more from people than I deserve and way more than I have ever given to them.  My heart is heavy and full at the same time.  I feel unworthy of the kindness and love and blessings that have been given to me yet so extremely grateful for them.  I couldn't do this without them.  It inspires me to get better quick, so I can start paying the love forward.  

Freaking Health

It seriously pains me to be writing this post right now.  I have tried so hard to be so healthy.  I try hard to eat clean and exercise more than regularly since becoming a personal trainer and health has been my main focus the past year and a half.  I decided after my cancer battle that I wasn't going to ever be that weak and decrepit ever again.  I am VERY proud of my body and the changes I have made and I felt better than I ever had in my life.  Sadly, it doesn't always matter what we do or think.  There are just some things completely out of our control.  

I have always had occasional migraines throughout my life.  When I was prego with Kylee they got really bad.  I also had preclampsia with Kylee so that made sense.  The extra high blood pressure enlarges your blood vessels and makes you hurt everywhere.  Sometime in January I started getting migraines daily.  My regular migraine meds weren't helping so I went and saw my family doctor.  He gave me a different prescription but they didn't help at all.  Then he gave me a shot of toradol (HEAVEN) and that helped big time...for about 24 hours.  The migraines were NEVER going away.  If you have had a migraine before, you know how debilitating they can be.  Now imagine never getting relief.  This has been my hell for the past two+ months.  

After a CT scan, followed by multiple MRI's...I was diagnosed with a brain AVM.  Basically it's where a cluster of blood vessels are tangled and causing improper blood flow throughout my brain.  My brain is getting the oxygen it needs, but at the expense of my other blood vessels.  They are extremely enlarged.  The extra pressure on my blood vessels can cause them to burst at any time, causing brain bleeds and strokes.  The picture below is a great diagram of what is going on inside my head.  I am in constant pain...even with major pain pills.  

My doctor has told me it's extremely important everyone in my life knows about my condition and to make sure they know the signs of stroke so they can help me if/when I have one.  The most painful conversation I have ever had is telling my 7 and 5 year-old the signs of stroke and what to do if mommy has one.  I am an independant and private person.  It has been really hard for me to deal with this.  I have had to stop working out completely and must keep my heart rate as low as possible.  I am meeting with the top vascular neurosurgeon in Northern Utah tomorrow and I can't wait to see what he can do to help me.  Vascular Neurosurgeon are hard to come by and it has been a long and painful 3 weeks waiting to get in to see him.  (That was them RUSHING me in.  It usually takes about 6 months to see this dude.) I spend most of my days in my dark bedroom just laying in bed or drugged.  It is not a life I want to lead at all.  It has been pure hell.  I am incredibly blessed with awesome kids who pretty much take care of themselves AND me.  Curtis has stepped way up and not only works nights but takes great care of me, the kids, and the house.  I have amazing family and friends and co-workers who have been there for me every second I've needed them.  There have been so many cards, flowers, messages, meals, favors, blessings and miracles along the way that I am overwhelmed.   

Thanks for all your prayers and good thoughts.  I know they make a difference.  I can feel your love and concern and it is honestly what has helped me get through this stupid ordeal.  I am SO anxious to find some relief from this constant pain in my head and to get back to my normal self again.  It's discouraging to see all my hard work on my body disappear so quickly, but I also know that as soon as I can, I will be back to kicking butt again.  I got this!!!